For several months, I have been getting a job as a nanny every now and then, not too often.
I am not the type of person who loves kids so much to be nursery staff, a nanny, baby-sitter and so on. I am doing it because there is a supply for this job and I can do it, as simple as that. In Japan I used to teach kids English and lots of other subjects, and especially English I found the job very natural and enjoyable for me. I had a feeling like “that’s it, this is my destined profession. I have a talent in this, and people want to pay. Mutual satisfaction. Not my stupid self-satisfactry theatre malarkey.” But even that time, my pleasure came mainly from my passion for teaching English, not entirely from kids.
It is a weird profession. You take care of 4-year-old girl and ensure her security – basically make her happy – but she’s not your kid. The other day I had this girl two days in a row and was told to take her to exactly the same park. If you do the same thing two days in a row, it is a routine. In the park I saw the same people, and I could tell some people might look at me as her mother because she is half Japanese. I was sitting down on the bench with her scooter and a pack of snacks her mother meticulously prepared, observing people. All of them seemed to be real families, and I was impressed by how much energy the parents put into their kids, really, not just financially but physically. I got completely bored with this park in only two days, but if you are a real parent you can’t afford to get bored. The girl I am looking after is obsessed with a swing although she can’t make it work unless someone pushes her. So I ended up pushing her until eventually she gets bored, which is about 15 mins after, at the same time my arms start to ache. There will be three or four sets of that session a day, every day, for a few years. The point is that my attachment to her doesn’t involve love. So I feel strangely alienated from all the other dedicated parents around me who have the real long-term commitment.
When I watch a TV programme called “Supernanny”, I always get hugely amazed by the skill of Supernanny, and also feel overwhelmed by its responsibility and the reward to be a parent. In other words I get very excited about being a parent one day. I believe that being a parent is the most amazing job I can do in my life and I am looking forward to it. But being a nanny is different. I can’t suddenly set up a naughty chair for someone else’s kid. I am just a guest in her life, no commitment, no love, what can I do?
Of course she is from a family who can afford nannies and they live in London. There is no use in comparing with my childhood. But now I am an adult and can totally understand parents’ perspective – how and when a nanny comes into the family according to the mother’s work schedule and other commitments. The backstage of childcare which the actual child never gets to know.
My family are farmers in a rural Japanese village, where most of the villagers are farmers and their houses huddle together to form a village. Also lots of relatives with the same surnames. A very religious and narrow-minded group society. All the adults in my family worked as a team to support my father who does the heaviest work. My mother always picked me up from the nursery at 12 and after that I always played by myself, or with chickens, with mother or someone working in one of the greenhouses surrounding the house. None of my classmates had a nanny, I remember. When mother is busy, that’s when grandparents come in handy. For me nanny was a concept invented only in Mary Poppins, or some super rich families or fairy tales. The whole village knows who you are and which high school you are in and how you are growing mature and ….including terribly private matters they know and rumours so they didn’t make my sensitive teen life easy, I have to say. Since it was a father-centerd family system, the whole family was there to oblige my father and then grandfather. Not only that, to make the matter extreme, because of farming, the family was the business itself and my father was the president of the company as well as the family. We ensure he can work comfortably and the family life existed around him and vegetables. Definitely no holidays, hardly any family travel, no big shopping trips, no Disneyland. For my parents no day off apart from around new years day which is 4 days out of the entire year. As the last child of three children in such a family, I always had a feeling that childcare is the family’s side business. The most important thing is not to ruin the vegetables all year long as well as keep the family name respectable in front of the neighbors, not to make children happy because they would grow up playing with whatever is available. They didn’t give a damn even if I implore that I feel miserable because I am the only one who hasn’t been to Disneyland in the class. I still have a fresh memory of this – one day I was playing with a tennis ball in a big car park in front of my house, and I fell into an empty gutter as deep as my height. I was brought back to the house and mother tried to see the cuts in my thighs in the living room. I lay down crying in the middle of the tatami mat floor, then my grandfather got annoyed saying “keep that noisy child away from me!” In order to gain their attention and make my smallest voice heard in the family of 7, I worked extra hard in everything I tried and I was always the top of the class in most of the subjects other than sports, but of course my parents were too busy to notice my effort.
As well as being socially restrictive and hardly paying full attention to me, my parents were very strict about buying me things, as they could get away with using the old stuff from my sister and brother. It is only after I started nanny jobs when I entered some houses which were entirely covered with children’s stuff- the whole family exists around the child. Because my parents hardly gave me what I wished, I couldn’t wait to be independent and live by myself, earn money to use for myself. I was just like a caged bird thirsty for freedom, money and approval. As soon as I escaped from my hometown to a big city, I became a street-wise, money-orientated independent girl who manages everything without seeking anyone’s help. I knew what I wanted, and I knew how to get it. Soon the big city stops being a challenge for her any more, and she looks for an even bigger adventure on the other side of the earth, where she loses her confidence for the first time because of language.
Watching a 4-year-old closely is a very fascinating human observation of dependence and instinct. She sucks her thumb everytime she is tired to feel her mother. I have a particular type of shiver when the girl cries her eyes out to cling onto her mother after realizing she is leaving. She ignores me and runs away from me, basically she hates me like hell. “Don’t worry your mum will be back soon, very soon. Come on, let’s play with Keiko.” I say, but in my head I am crying and thinking “Oh god, can I go home? I am not here to play a devil for her.” But the mother is of course practical. She pretends that we all go to the park together and gets her prepared to go outside, and one step outside the door shuts the door behind us. It’s a nightmare for the girl, and for me. She bangs the door madly like a film character getting imprisoned – “open the door!” – , and she cries for 5 mins until she gets exhausted . What can I say? Nothing. The funny thing is that it is only me who gets upset amongst three of us. The mother is fine, the girl lives in her instant instinct as an animal so she forgets once I mention ice cream. I get upset by all this melodrama, and I get a shiver which I only experience in this situation. Did I cry like that when I was little?
That evening the mother came home and we talked about the girl being very interested in the bell of my bicycle, while her own bicycle doesn’t have one. And she says “ok we will buy one for you tomorrow” I used to get very nervous and confused when my parents spontaneously got me to choose something I want to buy. I got even skeptical about it and asked “Why? It is not my birthday.” Or I felt quite uneasy in front of my grandparents who don’t live with me, trying to splash their money for me everytime I see them. Her cat-like short emotions and memory span is amazing. One moment her life is hell because she can’t go to bed with mother but a stranger called nanny, but then when I mention reading books immediately she gets drown into choosing books. When she is eating she is nothing but an animal in my view. She is this big now as a result of daily feeding her mother has been carefully and restlessly preparing every day for 4 years. If she fails to do so even once, this girl would be in trouble. More than all, the health and growth of her each and every cell depends entirely on mother’s attentiveness for another 15 years or so. What a job! and what a fascinating relationship. This small helpless creature is the product of this excessively dependent and beautiful relationship. For some reason I get a shiver when I look into her eyes which scarcely recognize me.